No More What Ifs
by charactersthatholdmyheart
Summary: Takes place after the end of the episode "Remember Me" (following Hoyt's failure to kill both Jane and Maura). The event has served as a wake-up call for Maura who decides to finally admit her feelings for Jane. Fair warning that this is way more sweet than dark and angsty.


**Author's Note: **So this just kind of came to me after watching the episode "Remember Me" with a friend. It was her first time watching it and talking with her about that scene and how much love there was between Maura and Jane there-it just got me thinking. What if this close-call, this connection that was clearly shared between them in that scene, pushed things in a different direction for them, really changed things. Also, I played "Giving Up" by Ingrid Michaelson a lot while writing this. It definitely had a great influence on where I went with the story, so you might want to give it a listen! So here is this one-shot, but those always seem to turn into more for me, so we'll see. Hope you enjoy! :)

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Jane's door closed behind the last person and Maura breathed a heavy sigh. She couldn't stand it anymore—the fake smiles and cheer, the whole crowd gathered in celebration for Jane's birthday, which had really just been a hellish day. Her skin still burned, and Hoyt flashed before her eyes wielding his big taser, and Jane's terrified face—she saw it every time she closed her eyes.

Jane. Before she knew what she was doing she was across the room and behind Jane who was standing at the kitchen counter washing dishes. She wrapped her arms around her waist. Jane jolted a little, then relaxed, leaning back into Maura. Of course she had jumped. They were both still on edge.

"Sorry," Maura muttered against Jane's shoulder blade. "I wasn't thinking."

She made herself pull away, but as soon as her arms left Jane's waist, Jane turned around towards Maura, clearly confused.

"Why are you sorry? I could use a hug after a day like today."

Maura choked out a laugh. "Yeah, me too."

Jane held out her arms and Maura was in them before she could blink. And then it seemed as though everything from the day was knocking her over, all of the emotions—the anguish, the fear, the relief that they were okay. And she needed Jane for balance, so she clung to her, closed her eyes and breathed Jane in. Jane held her tighter, and sighed deeply.

Suddenly, Maura had a flash of them in the future—standing in her own kitchen, _their _kitchen. It is a long day, but they come home to each other, and they hold each other for while, and everything is right with the world again. Especially, when Jane's lips find hers and she picks her up and places her gently on the counter. And then Jane is all around her and inside her and-

Maura's eyes snapped open. These daydreams of her and Jane had been happening more often. They were together in them, a couple. Living together. Maura had written them off, tried to just forget them when they occurred out of the blue. Because it was a problem. She had come to realize and accept she was in love with her best friend, but she couldn't start a relationship with Jane. She thought Jane loved her in that way, but she couldn't be sure. And it wouldn't matter if she was absolutely certain that Jane did. Because what if Jane found things she didn't like about Maura once they were in a relationship? What if they were always stressed from the job and it caused them to fight a lot? What if Jane got bored with her? So many things could go wrong in a romantic relationship, it was just a different dynamic. And then they probably wouldn't be able to just pretend it never happened, go back to being friends. That would mean Jane would leave. And if Jane left, Maura would have nothing. She would take her family and their friends along with her. Maura would be alone. She would never be whole again and she couldn't stand risking it, when life at the current moment was better than it ever had been for her. Just being friends with Jane was amazing. These had always been her thoughts in the past, her reasons for not pursuing anything.

But today things had shifted. This daydream Maura just had was different than the others. She had never imagined getting so intimate with Jane before. And almost losing Jane today, watching the way Hoyt had cut her throat and held her down, knowing that they both would die if nobody figured out what was happening in the room and stopped it—that had shaken something inside her.

When they were in that hospital room with Hoyt, everything had come undone. There were no barriers, it was all natural and real, out in the open between them. There was nothing left to pretend. Maura watched horrified as Hoyt pinned Jane down. Every time Jane looked at her, Maura saw fear, but also love in her eyes. Jane's fear wasn't just for herself at all. It was mostly for Maura.

And the zipties that bound her wrists or the man that stood menacingly over her with the tazer—none of that scared Maura as much as seeing Jane held down like that, Hoyt slicing her neck. She couldn't stand how helpless she was.

Right then, all Maura wanted was to rewind time. She wanted more moments with Jane. And something else. Just before Hoyt tazed her there had been something else Maura had thought. Oh, yes. The memory came back suddenly to Maura as she stood in this kitchen with Jane. It hit her like a truck. In that moment right before she blacked out, Maura had wished that she'd thrown all the what-ifs out the window and told Jane she loved her, that she was_ in _love with her. She had regretted not kissing those lips, and being able to love that body the way it should be handled—with care and deep affection. Just when Maura thought all of her time in life was up, this is what she had regretted most.

Maura lifted her head from Jane's chest. Everything around her seemed clearer, brighter. She wasn't thinking about protecting herself any longer. She was thinking about all that they almost missed because she was too afraid.

"Jane, I need to…" But she hesitated, trying to gather the right words.

Jane pulled back a little bit more from Maura to listen to what she was saying. She looked concerned, like she knew Maura was about to say something important and she was afraid of what it might be.

"I love you, Jane," Maura got out in a rush.

Jane sighed, looking relieved. "Me too," she said, as she pulled Maura back into another hug.

As much as Maura just wanted to stay in Jane's arms, this needed to come out. This was the time. So, Maura pulled back again.

"No, I mean I'm…"

How did she phrase this without scaring Jane off?

"I want to be the one who chops up vegetables for dinner with you. The one who takes you to all the places you never went as a kid. And gives you a massage when your back aches. The one who helps you when your hands hurt in the winter."

Jane just stared at her in confusion, in awe. "Maur, you…you already are."

Maura shakes her head. She's not explaining this right. She sighs, a little frustrated. How to explain?

"Yes, but…today, almost losing you, almost dying, made me realize that…I want to be the one who gets to hold your hand when I feel like it. And fall asleep beside you at night. I want to be the one who is there after every nightmare to comfort you. The one who gets to kiss that mole just below your shoulder blade."

She can't look at Jane anymore. She's looking at the floor, but the words still come. They need to. She's already started and she can't stop now.

"I want to do all of it, Jane. Be with you. Because when I'm not with you, it's hard not to miss you. And I've never loved anyone this much before. That's the problem. Is that I've never loved anyone this deeply. So, I kept thinking of all the what-ifs that would come with us being in a relationship. And especially about the biggest what-if of all—what if it doesn't work out in the end. And I was terrified. But I don't care about the what-ifs anymore. And I'm done being afraid. I'm giving up. I'm giving up on worrying about it. I just want you. Plain and simple. I want to give us a try."

Now she made herself look up at Jane who had tears in her eyes. Maura breathed in deeply, trying not to cry. "Because it's worth it, Jane. Don't you think it's worth it? That _we're_ worth it?"

She stood there looking into Jane's eyes. Silence. All that could be heard was Maura's heavy breathing. She couldn't read Jane's expression. She just looked shocked mainly. But then she studied Maura. Really looked at her. Maura could tell Jane's brain was whirring. And then she moved to place her hands on Maura's shoulders.

"Yea, Maura. I do." Jane's voice cracked, but Maura didn't think she had heard such sweet words before.

"I do," Jane whispered, and a smile broke out on her lips, as she gently cupped Maura's cheeks. Maura grinned, she was smiling so big, and the next thing she knew Jane's lips were against hers.

And if Maura had experienced the worst feelings of her life today, now less than five hours later, she was experiencing the best. She could never put into words what it was like to finally kiss Jane because it wouldn't do it justice. It was better than the taste of the best cheesecake in the world. Better than when you're boiling hot and then rain breaks over you and cools you down. Better than the feeling she got when she officially was declared a medical examiner, or saved a life. Just better.

They pulled apart to get some air, and then continued to stand there with their foreheads pressed together, just taking in the moment.

Suddenly, Jane kissed Maura's nose-just a peck, then she pulled away with a grin on her face, and a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"That was on my list as well," Maura whispered, giggling a little. "I'm the one who gets to kiss your nose."

"And I'm the one who gets to do this," Jane asserted, as she lifted Maura up onto the countertop, Maura's legs now wrapped around Jane's waist.

Maura felt herself blushing a deep pink. When she had gathered herself a little, she leaned into Jane and whispered in her ear.

"Jane Rizzoli, you're simply 'the one'."

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**Please let me know your thoughts! **


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